I'm so confused. Well, it is possible that I'm stupid too. I ignored the red flags. I decided to follow my heart when my mind was screaming "RUN, FOOL, RUN"
Well to be blunt: things got worse....a lot worse.
Right now, we are in an awful place. He is back in Afghanistan and when he left, we were in a rocky place and it has just gone downhill since then. Normally, he would get online at the end of the day and we would email back and forth for several hours while I was working (they are 11.5 hours ahead). Now that he's back, I get maybe one e-mail a day and nothing more. He updates Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter constantly, but he doesn't seem to want to talk to me. I tried to nicely point it out to him that I deserve more effort and he said that he got where I was coming from but he didn't change.
Well, today it all blew up. I told him that he needed to step up, that I deserve better and he no longer makes me feel like I'm important or special to him. His response was that he didn't get it, he feels like I'm punishing him for how he chooses to spend his downtime and that nothing he does is good enough.
Well I don't feel good enough. I feel like I'm no longer a priority. I feel like I'm not good enough for him to make time for me.
And yet, my stupid heart still wants "us"
I'm a masochist and going to die alone.
5.19.2009
4.24.2009
Jesus, I need assistance
Why do I even try? As it been well established in this blog, I bring my own brand of crazy to the table. I suck at relationships. I suck at caring about someone. I pick the wrong guys. Most days I wonder why I even leave my bed.
Let me back up slightly.
Ok here’s the Cliff Notes version and then I will flash forward to my current dilemma…I’m dating a guy that is deployed in Afghanistan and he was home on R&R last week. I think that gets everyone up to speed….so the present:
So the Soldier and I had some rocky points this past week. Mainly talking about us and our relationship status. He hasn’t been in a relationship where he called someone his girlfriend since his Ex which was like 6-8 years ago*. So calling me his girlfriend is a big deal and he said that calling me his girlfriend will inevitably lead to buying a house, marriage and babies because he knows that’s our future so he wants to take super small baby steps. So I’m not technically his g/f and I’m still allowed to see other people. I told him that if he messes around or dates other girls, then I’m done. I won’t tolerate it and I’m too good to be one of many. He understands that and doesn’t want to lose me.
Well since I’ve been back in Sac, we haven’t talked that much because he has been cramming visits with his friends, family and business stuff into the last three days. I really feel like an after thought. We talked about that today, but now we have a different issue. We have been talking about a trip to Greece and I sent him some info on flights for September in an email that he still hasn’t looked at. He told me in the very beginning of all this that for this to work, one of us is going to have to move. And he had pretty much decided that it was going to be him. Well the last time I brought up Greece, he said “well will September work because won’t classes in Colorado for firefighting start in August or September?” and previously before our visit, I asked if he was planning on coming out to visit for the holidays since I won’t have PTO to come home and he said “why would I need to? I plan on being out there before the holidays”
So safe to assume that he needs to be factored into my move, right? NOOOOOPPPPPEEEEE! We talked today briefly because I was feeling like he wasn’t really committed to moving and it was making me nervous so I asked him about it and he told me that the thought of moving was overwhelming and he hadn’t adjusted to the idea and that he wasn’t looking to move right away because he’s family (who he isn’t close to) is there, his business is there and his condo is there.
*She cheated on him, they were together for 6 years, she was his first everything, and she tried to start sleeping with him again when she was dating someone else & she is now married to that someone else.
So here’s how I feel about all of this and what I wish I could say but know that I would never be able to say:
-It’s been a very long time since you have been in a relationship. And I understand that you have commitment issues, but its one thing to be 23 and have commitment issues instead of 34 with commitment issues. It’s something you would actually have to recognize and work at to overcome. The thing I’m struggling with is that if you can’t even call me your girlfriend now, how’s it going to be down the line when the idea of marriage comes up? I don’t know if I can invest my time, energy and my heart into this if I doubt that you can even commit to me
-Talking about moving to Colorado is one thing but actually doing it is something I doubt you will actually make happen. You’re dragging your feet and refusing to commit to whether or not you’re moving. I’m not even asking WHEN, I’m asking are you planning on it or not. I don’t want to get my hopes up to continuously have them crushed. You say that you can’t drop everything to move out to Colorado but I feel like that’s just putting up additional roadblocks. You claim your family, business, condo and Army as things that are stopping you. From day one, you’ve told me that you are not close to your family and that you only talk to your dad when it’s in regards to your condo. Second, the business has survived several deployments without you. And you would be coming back to So Cal one weekend each month for Army duty so you would be able to assist then until Joe is able to buy you out. Third, the condo…your dad has been maintaining the condo since you’ve been gone. If you plan to sell it, your dad can do that with a POA. Also, if you plan to rent it, that’s also something, he can assist with. I feel like you are using these as roadblocks as a way to keep us from moving forward because of whatever commitment issues that you are working with.
-I just have to wonder if you avoiding relationships for this long are a red flag for me. And the fact that you are ignoring me right now makes me want to cry. I feel like we are in such an unstable place and you’re leaving tomorrow. I don’t know if I can wait for you if you can’t even call me your girlfriend. It’s like an excuse to not have any obligation or responsibility to me or to us. I feel like you are asking me to wait for something that may never happen.
Let me back up slightly.
Ok here’s the Cliff Notes version and then I will flash forward to my current dilemma…I’m dating a guy that is deployed in Afghanistan and he was home on R&R last week. I think that gets everyone up to speed….so the present:
So the Soldier and I had some rocky points this past week. Mainly talking about us and our relationship status. He hasn’t been in a relationship where he called someone his girlfriend since his Ex which was like 6-8 years ago*. So calling me his girlfriend is a big deal and he said that calling me his girlfriend will inevitably lead to buying a house, marriage and babies because he knows that’s our future so he wants to take super small baby steps. So I’m not technically his g/f and I’m still allowed to see other people. I told him that if he messes around or dates other girls, then I’m done. I won’t tolerate it and I’m too good to be one of many. He understands that and doesn’t want to lose me.
Well since I’ve been back in Sac, we haven’t talked that much because he has been cramming visits with his friends, family and business stuff into the last three days. I really feel like an after thought. We talked about that today, but now we have a different issue. We have been talking about a trip to Greece and I sent him some info on flights for September in an email that he still hasn’t looked at. He told me in the very beginning of all this that for this to work, one of us is going to have to move. And he had pretty much decided that it was going to be him. Well the last time I brought up Greece, he said “well will September work because won’t classes in Colorado for firefighting start in August or September?” and previously before our visit, I asked if he was planning on coming out to visit for the holidays since I won’t have PTO to come home and he said “why would I need to? I plan on being out there before the holidays”
So safe to assume that he needs to be factored into my move, right? NOOOOOPPPPPEEEEE! We talked today briefly because I was feeling like he wasn’t really committed to moving and it was making me nervous so I asked him about it and he told me that the thought of moving was overwhelming and he hadn’t adjusted to the idea and that he wasn’t looking to move right away because he’s family (who he isn’t close to) is there, his business is there and his condo is there.
*She cheated on him, they were together for 6 years, she was his first everything, and she tried to start sleeping with him again when she was dating someone else & she is now married to that someone else.
So here’s how I feel about all of this and what I wish I could say but know that I would never be able to say:
-It’s been a very long time since you have been in a relationship. And I understand that you have commitment issues, but its one thing to be 23 and have commitment issues instead of 34 with commitment issues. It’s something you would actually have to recognize and work at to overcome. The thing I’m struggling with is that if you can’t even call me your girlfriend now, how’s it going to be down the line when the idea of marriage comes up? I don’t know if I can invest my time, energy and my heart into this if I doubt that you can even commit to me
-Talking about moving to Colorado is one thing but actually doing it is something I doubt you will actually make happen. You’re dragging your feet and refusing to commit to whether or not you’re moving. I’m not even asking WHEN, I’m asking are you planning on it or not. I don’t want to get my hopes up to continuously have them crushed. You say that you can’t drop everything to move out to Colorado but I feel like that’s just putting up additional roadblocks. You claim your family, business, condo and Army as things that are stopping you. From day one, you’ve told me that you are not close to your family and that you only talk to your dad when it’s in regards to your condo. Second, the business has survived several deployments without you. And you would be coming back to So Cal one weekend each month for Army duty so you would be able to assist then until Joe is able to buy you out. Third, the condo…your dad has been maintaining the condo since you’ve been gone. If you plan to sell it, your dad can do that with a POA. Also, if you plan to rent it, that’s also something, he can assist with. I feel like you are using these as roadblocks as a way to keep us from moving forward because of whatever commitment issues that you are working with.
-I just have to wonder if you avoiding relationships for this long are a red flag for me. And the fact that you are ignoring me right now makes me want to cry. I feel like we are in such an unstable place and you’re leaving tomorrow. I don’t know if I can wait for you if you can’t even call me your girlfriend. It’s like an excuse to not have any obligation or responsibility to me or to us. I feel like you are asking me to wait for something that may never happen.
2.23.2009
Oh crap
I was in Germany for the week of Valentine's Day. I went over with my family to visit other family members. All was going well until Thursday night. My sister and I can't sleep so we are out wandering the streets with the bums and the folks crawling home from the bars. We're chatting about who knows what and my cell phone goes off..
"Call me when you get a moment!!!"
It's from my manager at work. I do a quick calculation to figure out the time change there and debate whether I really want to chat and have to pay international fees for this person. I decide my safest bet is to text back (hey, don't judge me, the fees are ridiculous)
"What's going on? I'm still in Germany"
By this time, we are freezing and need warmth and/or subsistence. We find the nearest cafe/pub open and grab food while I wait for my text back.
"I just got out of a meeting with upper management. They are closing the Sacramento office. You can take the move package or the severance package. You have until March 16 to decide."
Fuck me sideways.
Now, I have to call because I need more info than what can be described in a text. I reach my manager and find out I can choose between Colorado, Texas, or Arizona for moving or I can take severance. Since I've only been with the company for a year, severance wouldn't be worth it for me. Logically, in this economy, not staying with the company would be a stupid move. So hey guess what...I'M MOVING.
Now if someone could just decide where for me, then we'd be in business...
"Call me when you get a moment!!!"
It's from my manager at work. I do a quick calculation to figure out the time change there and debate whether I really want to chat and have to pay international fees for this person. I decide my safest bet is to text back (hey, don't judge me, the fees are ridiculous)
"What's going on? I'm still in Germany"
By this time, we are freezing and need warmth and/or subsistence. We find the nearest cafe/pub open and grab food while I wait for my text back.
"I just got out of a meeting with upper management. They are closing the Sacramento office. You can take the move package or the severance package. You have until March 16 to decide."
Fuck me sideways.
Now, I have to call because I need more info than what can be described in a text. I reach my manager and find out I can choose between Colorado, Texas, or Arizona for moving or I can take severance. Since I've only been with the company for a year, severance wouldn't be worth it for me. Logically, in this economy, not staying with the company would be a stupid move. So hey guess what...I'M MOVING.
Now if someone could just decide where for me, then we'd be in business...
2.04.2009
Fuck you, I-Tunes. I hate you.
I have come to the realization that I am electronically challenged.
Exhibit A:
I bought a new computer and could not hook it up to the wireless internet because I wasn’t able to guess the password for the stupid wireless system. Seriously, my own internet was rejecting me causing me to email my techie friend in Afghanistan (because he has nothing better to do then talk me off the ledge) and scream via email for him to fix it. His response was a bunch of computer jargon that I have yet to comprehend.
Exhibit B:
I bought a Blackberry and couldn’t get my contact list to transfer. I had to go all the way to the Verizon store and bully some clerk into doing it for me. I’m not sure if it was look of crazed anger or that fact that I was threatening him that got him to move so quickly. Yet, he didn’t appreciate my declaration of love when he fixed it. Weird.
Exhibit C:
I downloaded I-Tunes incorrectly onto my new computer so every time I open it, I get an evil, taunting message telling me to re-install. Seriously, who the fuck am I that I can’t download I-Tunes correctly?!?!
Jesus, I need some assistance. Pronto.,
Exhibit A:
I bought a new computer and could not hook it up to the wireless internet because I wasn’t able to guess the password for the stupid wireless system. Seriously, my own internet was rejecting me causing me to email my techie friend in Afghanistan (because he has nothing better to do then talk me off the ledge) and scream via email for him to fix it. His response was a bunch of computer jargon that I have yet to comprehend.
Exhibit B:
I bought a Blackberry and couldn’t get my contact list to transfer. I had to go all the way to the Verizon store and bully some clerk into doing it for me. I’m not sure if it was look of crazed anger or that fact that I was threatening him that got him to move so quickly. Yet, he didn’t appreciate my declaration of love when he fixed it. Weird.
Exhibit C:
I downloaded I-Tunes incorrectly onto my new computer so every time I open it, I get an evil, taunting message telling me to re-install. Seriously, who the fuck am I that I can’t download I-Tunes correctly?!?!
Jesus, I need some assistance. Pronto.,
1.29.2009
Work sucks
Insanity doesn’t work in an office environment.
When I yell at my computer it causes people to stare. Like you’ve never wanted to cuss out your computer for being slow, you judgmental asswads.
When I inhale 3 cups of coffee in 30 minutes, you look at me like I just snorted a line of coke of my desk. Do you want to see me without caffeine? Have you ever watched those awful Halloween movies? Yah, it’s like that.
When I start throwing candy at my desk mate for no particular reason, well, I’m just bored. Oh and he deserves it. Ass monkey has a fucking Chia Pet on his desk and actually asked me to water it while he was out of the office. He’s going to find it floating in a toilet one of these days.
When I start mumbling about the cocksucker I just got off the phone with, just nod along and realize that you were thinking it too but were just too tightly wound to say it. We deal with morons daily, accept it and join in the insanity.
Oh and go screw yourself for being a moron yourself. And stop looking to me for answers to shit. I. DO. NOT. CARE. Especially if it is in regards to your child’s diaper rash.
When I yell at my computer it causes people to stare. Like you’ve never wanted to cuss out your computer for being slow, you judgmental asswads.
When I inhale 3 cups of coffee in 30 minutes, you look at me like I just snorted a line of coke of my desk. Do you want to see me without caffeine? Have you ever watched those awful Halloween movies? Yah, it’s like that.
When I start throwing candy at my desk mate for no particular reason, well, I’m just bored. Oh and he deserves it. Ass monkey has a fucking Chia Pet on his desk and actually asked me to water it while he was out of the office. He’s going to find it floating in a toilet one of these days.
When I start mumbling about the cocksucker I just got off the phone with, just nod along and realize that you were thinking it too but were just too tightly wound to say it. We deal with morons daily, accept it and join in the insanity.
Oh and go screw yourself for being a moron yourself. And stop looking to me for answers to shit. I. DO. NOT. CARE. Especially if it is in regards to your child’s diaper rash.
1.05.2009
Not A Pretty Girl....
I have boy drama….
(Anyone surprised at all?!?!)
So I met a guy about two months ago. I didn’t think much of him at first. I figured he was a little too short for my taste and too quiet. Well, I was out at a Christmas shindig at the beginning of December with some friends, and he was there. I was drinking (again, no surprised there) and my friends were like “Oooooh [JW], he’s perfect for you”* I kept pushing them aside while listing all the reasons why he WASN’T perfect for me. And I kept that thought for the majority of the night until the after party. I should have gone home then but no, I thought the Party Gods were smiling down on me and going to continue my great night.
Well, thanks for the bitch slap, Party Gods. You sure are a spiteful bunch!
Superficially, he wasn’t my type, but dude, this guy has personality to spare. I’m a sucker for someone who can make me laugh AND carry on a good conversation about more than sports. He’s funny and super educated, he’s into politics and he can hold his booze without becoming a jerk. Personality-wise, he was perfect. And a couple of days later, he asked for my number. And we texted. And he called. And it was really nice. REALLY NICE. A little extra bounce in my step. A quicker smile during the day. All those weird things that happen when you start to like a guy.
Now let me throw in the complicated part……We work together. Oh no wait, it gets better. I’m his MENTOR at work. Yep, I’ve become THAT girl.
Well, after a few weeks, a rumor starts that we are dating which at my job, is not okay at all. Well, he flipped out (while drunk) and was just really rude about it all. The next day, he called to apologize and we talked for awhile, but it just didn’t feel the same. Then he ran out of texts for the month (who doesn’t have unlimited texts WTF) so our main method of communication was shot to shit.
Did I hear from him those two weeks while he didn’t have text? NOOOOOOOPE.
Did I get a “Merry Christmas” or a “Happy New Years”? NOOOOOOOOPE.
Do I wonder about what happened and why he flipped around on me? Did I hope he would text me today because he has texting back? Do I want to yell irrationally at him for being an ass?
You bet your ass I do.
*WHEN DID "PERFECT FOR YOU" BECOME CODE FOR SINGLE?
(Anyone surprised at all?!?!)
So I met a guy about two months ago. I didn’t think much of him at first. I figured he was a little too short for my taste and too quiet. Well, I was out at a Christmas shindig at the beginning of December with some friends, and he was there. I was drinking (again, no surprised there) and my friends were like “Oooooh [JW], he’s perfect for you”* I kept pushing them aside while listing all the reasons why he WASN’T perfect for me. And I kept that thought for the majority of the night until the after party. I should have gone home then but no, I thought the Party Gods were smiling down on me and going to continue my great night.
Well, thanks for the bitch slap, Party Gods. You sure are a spiteful bunch!
Superficially, he wasn’t my type, but dude, this guy has personality to spare. I’m a sucker for someone who can make me laugh AND carry on a good conversation about more than sports. He’s funny and super educated, he’s into politics and he can hold his booze without becoming a jerk. Personality-wise, he was perfect. And a couple of days later, he asked for my number. And we texted. And he called. And it was really nice. REALLY NICE. A little extra bounce in my step. A quicker smile during the day. All those weird things that happen when you start to like a guy.
Now let me throw in the complicated part……We work together. Oh no wait, it gets better. I’m his MENTOR at work. Yep, I’ve become THAT girl.
Well, after a few weeks, a rumor starts that we are dating which at my job, is not okay at all. Well, he flipped out (while drunk) and was just really rude about it all. The next day, he called to apologize and we talked for awhile, but it just didn’t feel the same. Then he ran out of texts for the month (who doesn’t have unlimited texts WTF) so our main method of communication was shot to shit.
Did I hear from him those two weeks while he didn’t have text? NOOOOOOOPE.
Did I get a “Merry Christmas” or a “Happy New Years”? NOOOOOOOOPE.
Do I wonder about what happened and why he flipped around on me? Did I hope he would text me today because he has texting back? Do I want to yell irrationally at him for being an ass?
You bet your ass I do.
*WHEN DID "PERFECT FOR YOU" BECOME CODE FOR SINGLE?
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